March 28, 2005
I have been off for a week thanks to my sick call last Wednesday and Ethan is starting to get back into the groove of things. The first few nights were still bad with him up every hour or so until about 3, then he would sleep three hours in a row. Friday night he slept 7 hours and then 4 hours and I was in heaven. I ended up swaddling him again and leaving some lights on so it seemed like we were awake. I don't know what did it, but I was so happy. He slept in two 3 hour blocks on Saturday night, but I had to get him up at 4 to go to the Sunrise service on Sunday morning, so that was all me. Last night, he had three 3 hour blocks, which was still better than every hour. He is doing much better, but tomorrow is back to work for me. I am hoping it doesn't screw him all up again. I don't know what I would do if he kept up with the not sleeping. I loved being home all those days, but it will be good for me to go back to work tomorrow.
He is up from his nap and ready to eat, so off I go!
March 23, 2005
I was supposed to work today, but at 2:30 this morning when I had slept maybe two hours in 15 minute increments and knowing I had to get up at 5, I called in sick. I didn't want to, but I was losing it. I was a wreck, thining about having to be up working all day. I don't know what is going on with Ethan. He has never slept so poorly. I put him down at 7 and he slept until about 9:30. After that, he would cry and cry, I would pick him up and he would immediately fall asleep in my arms. I would rock him, put him in his crib, walk out of the room, get into bed. He would wake up and cry and cry again. At around one we camped out on his bedroom floor. He slept great with me next to him. I didn't sleep so well. Around 2:30, I did what I never thought I would do. I was desperate. I brought him into our bed. Again, he slept great. He was peaceful and slept so well. I slept a bit, too. He seems to need me there, next to him, touching him. I really don't know why all of the sudden he isn't sleeping. He was sleeping all night! What happened??? I was so tired and so freaked out. I am glad I didn't have to work. In fact, Nana really wanted to see him, so she picked him up at 7:30. I slept until 10:30 (so nice) and then cleaned up around the house. It was amazing how much I got done! I picked Ethan up around one and he was his happy little self. He is such a sweet little guy. I feel so bad for him. I am glad he likes me so much, but I really need him to sleep. Even if it is just a little bit. I don't know what I am going to do. I have six days until I go back to work. Hopefully we will work it out by then. I hope.
March 22, 2005
This is my second week of work and Ethan is all out of whack. He is doing great at his Nana's house and she is loving every minute he is there. Couldn't ask for that to be going better. He is having a rough time at night, though. He went from sleeping all night to spending most of the night awake. He has never had such a tough time at night. The lactation consultant at the hospital told me that it takes time for babies to adjust to mom returning to work and that it may take 3 to 4 months for him to adjust and sleep through the night again. Man, I hope not. I need to sleep.
March 15, 2005
I am officially a working mom now. Yesterday actually went well. Ethan had a good day with his Nana. She discovered he will scarf down a bottle like nobody's business if the milk is very, very warm so we no longer have bottle issues (other than he would prefer to be eating at all times).
My day at work went pretty well. I only had two patients, so I can't complain at all. It couldn't have been much better. I was emotional in the morning, but as I kept busy and heard that Ethan was doing well, it became a little easier. The problem is, my heart isn't in it at all. I don't want to be there. I don't want to be anywhere but where Ethan is. I don't know if I can handle working. I have to handle it at this point and I am sure it will get easier for all of us, but I really really really want to be a mommy all of the time. I want to take care of my little babies, not five sick old people. I don't want to miss anything as they grow up. I want to be there for them whenever they need me and even when they don't need me.
At this point, I have to work at least part time. We need my income. We are praying that somehow, I will be able to work less or not at all in the future, but I need to start dealing with the fact that at this point in time, I will be working and make the best of it. I just keep thinking maybe Shane will get a super job that pays great and that will do the trick. I also keep thinking that maybe the key is to move away from this place to somewhere we could afford on one income. I know our parents would kill us and that it would be extremely hard to leave what we know and people we love behind, but it is an option. And I keep thinking about it. They could just come with us if it's a problem for them.... I don't know. This week and the next few weeks to follow will be hard for all of us. Like I said, I just need to make the best of it and know that the Lord is in control and if I am supposed to stay home, He will work it out. Shane wants me to look into baby modeling for Ethan with the promise that when he makes all sorts of money, I can stay home. I think Ethan is cute enough and would be a great Gerber baby, but I don't know where to start or if I could ever pull that off. Plus, I don't want to exploit our sweet little child or to spend the money he would make (if he even made any) only to have him resent us
and leave home at 16 never to be seen again just so I can stay home.
I just want to be a good mommy.
March 12, 2005
I start back to work on Monday. Ethan had been taking a bottle so very well and I have a freezer full of pumped breastmilk ready for the occasion. Then last Tuesday night happened and Ethan decided the bottle was not for him. It was as if he knew I was returning to work and in protest began to refuse anything but the real thing. He hated his bottle and let everyone know it. He would cry like I have never seen him cry before when a bottle even came near him. I really don't get it because we had been giving them to him and he took it fine just a few days before.
Anyway, the whole thing was stressing me out and we tried bottles every night when Shane got home from work this week. It didn't happen. He was not going for it and would scream and scream until we gave in and I would feed him. So. Today was the day. We were going to get him to take a bottle. It has been a weird day and it took like, over an hour at one point to get him to even take an ounce of the milk, but he did it. He will take it willingly and without screaming. I am so glad. I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew that eventually he would have to give in if I was at work and the bottle was all that was available to keep him from starving, but I didn't want the day to be any more miserable for him or for Nana or for me than it might already be. I am hoping he will be so good, but I kind of think it will be a little rough for all of us. But at least he stopped screaming at his baba.
March 10, 2005
I have become a little absent-minded since becoming a mother. Having said that, I have another embarrassing story to share involving pizza.
We have Bible study on Thursday nights and last Thursday we went to this place called Pizza Port beforehand with our friends Billy and Georgia. We decided the guys would share a pizza and the girls would have salad and these little thingies called beer buddies that are just pizza dough with seasoning on them. I was to buy my salad, beer buddies, and the pizza. I placed my order, remarked how it was only $8 to Georgia, and sat down. The salad came. The beer buddies came. Georgia's salad and beer buddies came. We were almost done with our salads and beer buddies. After remarking on how long the pizza was taking about five times, I started thinking. I took out my receipt. I didn't order the pizza. I didn't say anything to Shane or Billy and went up and bought the pizza for real, asking the girl if it could be made any faster than the standard 15-20 minutes (it couldn't). I sat back down and Shane immediately guessed what happened. I felt pretty stupid. The pizza came with about 10 minutes to eat and get to Bible study on time. We were a little late. Billy didn't even eat any because he filled up on beer buddies. And beer. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't thinking. At least everyone was nice about it and just laughed at me.
Ethan is now sleeping through the night. I am enjoying every minute of it. He is still growing like a weed. He is 16 pounds 9 ounces (with a onesie and dry diaper on) and 25 inches long as of yesterday.
My first day of work is on Monday, so I am tryiong to get ready for that. Lots to get together when you have to send your kid somewhere for the day.
March 1, 2005
Everything is crazy.
Two weeks until I go back to work. Two weeks. I took Ethan there today so he could meet all the nice people I work with. I don't want him to worry about me. I am not really looking forward to it, but I think it will be a good thing.
Ethan is three months old today. He fills us with joy on a daily basis. He is the best.
We are patiently waiting for a new job for Shane. We have been waiting patiently for some time now and patience is beginning to wear thin. We are praying continually for something....anything. Any ideas? Any connections? Let us know. Please.
Most of my time is filled with entertaining the little one and it makes it hard find time to write.
And he's awake, so I best be going!
